Oh, whatever happened to your couple! Anyhow, whatever the case, before taking your next step try to understand what happened in-between.
But What’s this in-between?
No need for me to speculate, you know better than I do what you are going through in your couple. Depending on what’s happening, some people may be contemplating making a new step, which I call the 4th phase. There are two possibilities: some people may continue, and others may say, enough is enough -it’s time to go our separate ways. However, whatever direction you decide to take, it may be useful for you to understand better what has happened to your couple in-between. From the first time you met, full of passion for each other; and today, when you may have questions and doubts about your relationship. Certainly, something has happened. That’s why I propose to you, in this article, to consecrate a time of serious reflection on this in-between phase of your couple before you can move on.
Phases in my couple?
Don’t trouble your head to figure out phases in your couple, there are none. Nevertheless, for my own organisation of ideas I talk about phases in your couple. For now, I give you three phases. Whatever feelings you may have about your couple today, it’s due to the journey you have made together so far. You are a couple today because at one time you decided to come together, that is, something brought you together. And if today you feel confirmed in your relationship or, perhaps, you have questions and doubts, all the same, that’s due to the experience you have had together. So, that initial encounter I call it 1st phase, your journey so far as 2nd phase, where you stand today as 3rd phase, and finally the step you are contemplating of making as 4th phase. I dedicate this article to you especially for negotiating from 3rd to 4th phase. The article is for you!
The primary matter for this article is your lived experience, and as couple, you are primary actors. And you are the ones who may be confronted with questions, calling for a decision or a step to take. Hence, all I intend to do in this article is just to poke you, keeping you awake, so that you make decisions that are well informed and calculated. So, let’s use phases as a way packaging your experience.
1st Phase: Love intoxication
In the previous articles of the series, Family & Couple’s Corner, I have made allusion to this aspect. Falling in love is like being under the influence of drugs, you are completely under charm of the beloved one and all that comes from your mouth as you address that person is: my heart, my darling, my dear, my love. It’s all about my, my and my… it’s total possession and union so much that any room for separation is simply unimaginable. At this time, who can advise you against your inclination? Such a person, in your eyes, is only a jealous one intent on destroying your happiness, so you think. For that, you won’t give him a chance. In fact, he will be lucky if you can ignore him with politeness, otherwise, he risks much more than that. At this stage of intoxication with love your power for evaluation is at its lowest. On the contrary, everything about the beloved one appears rosy and you have the tendency to idealise him. Anyway, no need for detail, I refer you to How to Restore Warmth to your Relationship. So, let’s move on.
3rd Phase: Name calling
From phase one to phase three? What a transition! Probably you begin to wonder if I’m not actually some intoxication. Well, I deliberately choose to do it such way. I bring you straight to phase three where, probably, you are presently bogged down with questions, doubts, and feeling of disillusionment. What could be the signs?
My love, my heart, my dear or darling; these words that used to be your everyday vocabulary, but today, not only they may have become rare but also unbearable -you just can’t bring yourself to pronounce them anymore. Besides, those passion-filled SMS you used to exchange, which you jealously kept in your archives; today, they may be top on the list of things to delete. If you loved walking hand in hand, today maybe it’s the contrary -you are miles apart. And you may find that the most spontaneous word that you address the other so easily is: don’t touch me! Of course, it may not be intentional, but just the result of the journey you have had together -a rough one. Oh friends, whatever happened to your couple! Indeed, a relationship can change drastically, turning passionate lovers into sworn enemies. If you doubt, just try to attend divorce proceedings in the court of law. Unbelievable! It’s such drastic change that inspired me into considering this reflection.
So, given how things may have turned out in your relationship you probably find yourself bent on taking a decision in a certain direction, but the aim of this article is simply a shout out: please, wait a little! Why? Simply because you need to understand what has brought you where you are now, that is, you need to understand what happened in-between. That’s the 2nd phase.
2nd phase: I never knew
After that initial fire brought you together as couple you became exposed to another side of reality that you were unable to see at first. Living together gives you a kind of habitual feeling, perhaps monotony also, that tampers the passion. Then, you realise that staying together as a couple takes more than love intoxication; you may need to share a common project, which demands also sharing common objectives and goals. But will both of you apply the necessary means and assume the necessary attitudes? Do both of you feel you are owning something together in common? It’s by trying to get responses to such questions that may leave you in doubts regarding the future of your couple. But believe me that’s not fatality, it’s only a crisis that you can negotiate. Hence, you will do well to avoid hasty decision, or you risk disengaging yourself prematurely from your present relationship and hurl yourself into the arms of someone else. It may not be wise!
So, no precipitating the next step!
Instead, look back and see what happened. Such a time spent in fair-minded reflection, to your amazement, may bring a new breath to your relationship so much that, instead of a break-up, you just bounce back in a stronger and more fulfilling relationship. And should you break up, still, you will have something as learned lesson that may save you from falling into the same trap tomorrow.
Therefore, take courage and look straight into the eyes of those issues around your couple; ask and try to answer honestly: what is it that may have turned us from lovers to enemies? My dear, look back and see what happened in-between; only then would you be in the position to make an enlightened step.
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