Single humanity

Hi! I’m Fr Evans Chama, I propose to you, Falling in love as our next topic in our series (Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple) in which we chat about various issues concerning life in the couple.

But what does falling in love have to do with you?

Falling in love, I can imagine, it’s the topic you least expect at this time seeing the number of years some of you may have spent with your partner in the relationship or marriage. However, I can assure you, you have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

In fact, in order to advance in life, especially after meeting challenges in the course of your relationship, you need to stop and trace where you are coming from. And what better point to start from if not the time when you fell in love with your better half? Such visit to your past may help you to identify issues that have been the cause of knots, or lumps, in your relationship.

What happens when you fall in love?

When you fall in love you are captivated, or drawn, by someone. Often the point of attraction are differences between you two as persons. In other words, you are drawn by the qualities of the other person, those qualities which you may be lacking. Such opposite traits are called complementary traits.  An introvert person, for example, will most likely be drawn by an extrovert person. Such experience, as you remember your own, can be quite overwhelming. That explains certain tendencies.

What are some of such tendencies?

You idealise the person you have fallen in love with, it’s like they are an angel to you. And you minimise even the apparent imperfections. In fact, everything about that person is quite amusing to you. At such moment, any advice against the relationship is little appreciated even when the concerns may be well founded. But where does such obstinacy come from? You may wonder.

Well, I would begin by saying, it’s not easy to advise a person who’s drunk. And falling in love has similar effects as when a person is under the influence of drugs. That’s why it’s not an ideal moment to take important decisions when you are under the charm of such strong love feelings. At this moment, you are likely to entertain the illusion that the imperfections you notice in the would-be partner are trivial; you will easily manage them. So, you hear some people say, especially women, “I will change him”. Well, today you can check to see how much you have managed to change your partner.

Facing the moment of truth

When emotions have settled, you begin to see things much clearer and more realistically than before. Then, you realise that the other is not an angel you thought them to be; they are blood and flesh like any other with their strengths and weaknesses. And the traits in them that you once found amusing may turn out to be pretty annoying. It’s not necessarily because the partner has changed, it’s your way of looking them that has changed. And what may be more disturbing is to face the “failure” of not being able to change the partner as you thought to. You are disillusioned.  

That’s where I see the relevance of revisiting the beginning of your relationship -when you fell in love. Why? Today you may have a blockage somewhere in your relationship owing to the fact that you continue blaming your partner that they can’t change. Such frustration feeds on your illusion that you can change your partner, and so you attempt to change them. But, in fact, you can’t change another person – you simply have no power to do so. The only person you can change is yourself.

If this is an issue in your couple, then, you need to come to terms with such truth, which may be disconcerting. Besides, the success of your relationship does not depend on changing your partner but rather understanding and respecting them in their difference.

You might as well need to come to terms with certain things that you had ignored as inconsequential imperfections which, today, you realise that   they are not as petty as you had earlier thought. So, it may be helpful for you to see: What are those things you ignored that may be causing pain in your couple today? Is there a way out, or do you see yourself like someone caught in a kind of deadlock?

But you can have positive impact on your partner

However, the fact that you can’t change your partner doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it. Talk about that with your partner, presenting issues as you see them and how you feel about them, but without judging or accusing the other. Sometimes it takes your openness to make your partner aware of the suffering they inflict on you by their behaviour, and possibly incite them to change. It means that though you may find something annoying in your partner does not necessarily mean they do them deliberately to irritate you. Hence, communication is key in improving your relationship. I intentionally use the word “improving”. Why?

Have no illusion to think that your partner will change completely; nevertheless, it’s encouraging to acknowledge the effort they begin to make towards making a better couple.

If you look into your relationship, you certainly discover issues that have been training behind you from the time you fell in love. Hence, such visit to your past is a way of addressing unresolved issues in your couple, which is necessary for you two to move on. Indeed, this chat will have attained its purpose if it incites you to address issues of your relationship that have remained unattended to for long time. It’s time to face your past in order to move on.

Riding on the happy past

Besides, memories of the satisfying relationship in your early days can also help to rejuvenate your relationship. So, go back to those days when you were courting and pick out elements that can help you today to move your relationship a step further. In short, the experience of falling remains an important foundation of your relationship. It’s useful to revisit such founding experience in order to refuel yourselves. That’s the intention of this series.

And feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment area below the post on the blog.

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog so that you receive new postings by email.

See also:    Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple

Recovering the Lamb in your Spouse

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recovering the  Lamb in your Spouse! You may wonder: what’s the lamb? And what does recovering the lamb mean?

Change in your couple

Today you may be wandering, as some people say about their spouse: this is not the person I married. It’s like your spouse has become a different person altogether. Nothing works anymore between you two.

The spouse who was once like a pet, whom you adored and caressed, today has become a lion you never dare to touch anymore. But this was an affectionate person who whispered on your ears those sweet words that left you feeling you were a princess or a prince. You were so connected with your partner so much that just a glance and they knew what you needed. And so, they were ever attentive to render you little services. You felt you had a companion. That was the lamb in your spouse.

Unfortunately, it may no longer be the case today. Today, your spouse hardly addresses you a gentle word, and for the services that they rendered you voluntarily, without you asking for them, today even if you ask, you will be lucky to have a polite answer from them.

That tenderness and gentleness of the lamb are gone and there seems to remain only the glowing lion; that’s all seems to remain of your partner. You simply have no idea what has gone wrong. In such circumstances, there’s a risk of you acting in the manner that helps the lion to settle even though it’s the lamb you want.

Is your reaction part of the solution or part of the problem

As reaction, you are likely to demonise your partner as a way of justifying your reaction. Far from seeking and proposing a solution, you are preoccupied with proving that your reaction is appropriate considering the behaviour of your spouse. But that doesn’t help your relationship, if anything, it only worsens the situation. That’s why you need to check out if the way you react to your spouse is part of the solution or is part of the problem, that is, if what you do helps to resolve the problem or only worsens it. Whatever you do should be inspired by a healthy belief about your spouse. What is that belief?

The Lamb is still there

Even though your spouse shows more of the lion tendency it’s important to keep it in mind that the lamb is still there too. But if the lion co-exists with the lamb, isn’t there the danger of the lion devouring the lamb?

No worries! You don’t need to panic about seeking to save the lamb from the grip of the lion. In fact, I doubt if you will be able to overpower the lion in order to rescue the lamb. If anything, you risk provoking the lion, and thus endangering the lamb. All you need to do, firstly, is to avoid the action-reaction, especially the temptation to activate the little lion in you to fight the lion in your spouse. Or else, you risk finding yourself in the vicious circle of violence. In such a way, it’s the lion that is strengthened further and the lamb is weakened.

So, what do you do?

Starve the lion and feed the lamb, which means: speak words that show you still believe in your partner; words that are going to give confidence to the lamb in your partner. Make your spouse believe in themselves, talk about their qualities and state your feelings about what’s happening in your couple without judging them.

You should know, aggressive partners, often, are not the strongest persons you can find. They are only vulnerable persons simply seeking to protect themselves. The lion attitude that they may develop in the relationship is only a way of assuring their own security. But when you assure them and make them feel secure; they need no more the lion to glow for their security. And once they are secure, the lamb that you thought had disappeared, to your surprise, will just come out trotting, of course, to your pleasure. In that way, gentleness finds its place again in your relationship.

Action in favour of the lamb

Identify: what’s the lion in your partner’s behaviour today? How are you responding? Are you acting in the manner that makes your partner feel the need of the powerful lion to protect them? What words and actions, as change on your part, would render useless the protection of the lion and thus make lamb secure enough to come out?

It means, by the way you react to the behaviour of your spouse, you either strengthen the lion or you encourage the lamb to come out. So, it’s not just about the other spouse; it’s the matter between you -and both of you are responsible for whatever is going on in your couple. Hence, it comes back to you to decide and to act accordingly depending on what you want for your relationship -giving more space to the lion or to the lamb?

See also: Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog so that you receive new postings by email.

Feel free to leave here below your comment, contribution or question.

Introducing a new series: It’s for my couple!

Hi! I’m Fr Evans Chama, specialised in family, couples and sexuality. I’m engaged in a number of activities related to family and marriage. I offer, for example, pre marriage and post marriage counselling, offer sessions on the different topics on family and couples. And I equally accompany couples and families in difficulties. It’s out of such background that I propose to you a series called: It’s for my couple in which I shall be treating, on my blog, (https://singlehumanity.com/) a number of topics related to your life in the couple or family.

On my blog, you have the possibility of leaving your comment or contribution, in such way that such interaction becomes a kind of collective intelligence where we enrich one another by sharing our knowledge and our different experiences.

Why this series? I recognise that when you have issues in your couple, or family, there’s a feeling as if that’s the end of it all. You have little hope that things can be well again.  This is because often you do not recognise the resources you have within you as a person, and as couple, to manage the conflicts in your couple in constructive way.

In this series, I intend to make you aware of the capacity within you, and stimulate you, to stand up to the challenges in your relationship. Yes, you can manage issues in your couple in such way that you can, once again, find the joy of smiling at your partner.

So, come with me, I want to walk with you on this journey. See you at couple’s corner on my blog https://singlehumanity.com/.

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog so that you receive new postings by email.