When You Fall in love

Hi! I’m Fr Evans Chama, I propose to you, Falling in love as our next topic in our series (Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple) in which we chat about various issues concerning life in the couple.

But what does falling in love have to do with you?

Falling in love, I can imagine, it’s the topic you least expect at this time seeing the number of years some of you may have spent with your partner in the relationship or marriage. However, I can assure you, you have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

In fact, in order to advance in life, especially after meeting challenges in the course of your relationship, you need to stop and trace where you are coming from. And what better point to start from if not the time when you fell in love with your better half? Such visit to your past may help you to identify issues that have been the cause of knots, or lumps, in your relationship.

What happens when you fall in love?

When you fall in love you are captivated, or drawn, by someone. Often the point of attraction are differences between you two as persons. In other words, you are drawn by the qualities of the other person, those qualities which you may be lacking. Such opposite traits are called complementary traits.  An introvert person, for example, will most likely be drawn by an extrovert person. Such experience, as you remember your own, can be quite overwhelming. That explains certain tendencies.

What are some of such tendencies?

You idealise the person you have fallen in love with, it’s like they are an angel to you. And you minimise even the apparent imperfections. In fact, everything about that person is quite amusing to you. At such moment, any advice against the relationship is little appreciated even when the concerns may be well founded. But where does such obstinacy come from? You may wonder.

Well, I would begin by saying, it’s not easy to advise a person who’s drunk. And falling in love has similar effects as when a person is under the influence of drugs. That’s why it’s not an ideal moment to take important decisions when you are under the charm of such strong love feelings. At this moment, you are likely to entertain the illusion that the imperfections you notice in the would-be partner are trivial; you will easily manage them. So, you hear some people say, especially women, “I will change him”. Well, today you can check to see how much you have managed to change your partner.

Facing the moment of truth

When emotions have settled, you begin to see things much clearer and more realistically than before. Then, you realise that the other is not an angel you thought them to be; they are blood and flesh like any other with their strengths and weaknesses. And the traits in them that you once found amusing may turn out to be pretty annoying. It’s not necessarily because the partner has changed, it’s your way of looking them that has changed. And what may be more disturbing is to face the “failure” of not being able to change the partner as you thought to. You are disillusioned.  

That’s where I see the relevance of revisiting the beginning of your relationship -when you fell in love. Why? Today you may have a blockage somewhere in your relationship owing to the fact that you continue blaming your partner that they can’t change. Such frustration feeds on your illusion that you can change your partner, and so you attempt to change them. But, in fact, you can’t change another person – you simply have no power to do so. The only person you can change is yourself.

If this is an issue in your couple, then, you need to come to terms with such truth, which may be disconcerting. Besides, the success of your relationship does not depend on changing your partner but rather understanding and respecting them in their difference.

You might as well need to come to terms with certain things that you had ignored as inconsequential imperfections which, today, you realise that   they are not as petty as you had earlier thought. So, it may be helpful for you to see: What are those things you ignored that may be causing pain in your couple today? Is there a way out, or do you see yourself like someone caught in a kind of deadlock?

But you can have positive impact on your partner

However, the fact that you can’t change your partner doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it. Talk about that with your partner, presenting issues as you see them and how you feel about them, but without judging or accusing the other. Sometimes it takes your openness to make your partner aware of the suffering they inflict on you by their behaviour, and possibly incite them to change. It means that though you may find something annoying in your partner does not necessarily mean they do them deliberately to irritate you. Hence, communication is key in improving your relationship. I intentionally use the word “improving”. Why?

Have no illusion to think that your partner will change completely; nevertheless, it’s encouraging to acknowledge the effort they begin to make towards making a better couple.

If you look into your relationship, you certainly discover issues that have been training behind you from the time you fell in love. Hence, such visit to your past is a way of addressing unresolved issues in your couple, which is necessary for you two to move on. Indeed, this chat will have attained its purpose if it incites you to address issues of your relationship that have remained unattended to for long time. It’s time to face your past in order to move on.

Riding on the happy past

Besides, memories of the satisfying relationship in your early days can also help to rejuvenate your relationship. So, go back to those days when you were courting and pick out elements that can help you today to move your relationship a step further. In short, the experience of falling remains an important foundation of your relationship. It’s useful to revisit such founding experience in order to refuel yourselves. That’s the intention of this series.

And feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment area below the post on the blog.

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See also:    Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple

Recovering the Lamb in your Spouse