Before your Next Step II: What has brought your couple this far?

Last time we started looking at: Before your next step in your couple. Why that? Simply because we established that life in your couple is a journey. And to move, naturally, you need to make a new step. That’s how you find yourself in different phases of your love life, with all the different ideas and feelings that you may have about your partner and your couple today.


We can’t emphasise enough to say: whatever your feelings are, take your time to reflect before making any move, especially when it involves the critical move from the third phase to the fourth. Why is it critical?

3rd Phase: Name calling

From the first phase, which we called love intoxication, we jump to the third phase which we call name calling. During love intoxication you addressed your partner affectionately as: My love, my heart, my darling or sweetie. These words that used to be your everyday vocabulary, but today, not only they have probably become rare but also unbearable. You just can’t bring yourself to pronounce them anymore. Besides, those passion-filled sms you used to exchange, which you jealously kept in your archives; today, they may be top on the list of things to delete from phone. If you loved walking hand in hand, today maybe it’s the contrary -you are miles apart, nothing to do with social distancing because of Corona virus, but because you have become disaffected as partners. And you may find that the most spontaneous words that you address the other so easily is: don’t touch me! Of course, it may not be intentional, but just the result of the journey you have had together –apparently a rough one!

Indeed, things can change in a relationship, turning passionate lovers into sworn enemies. If you doubt, just try to attend divorce proceedings in the court of law.  It’s just unbelievable! Such drastic change is exactly what inspired me into considering this reflection.

So, given how things may have turned out in your relationship you probably find yourself bent towards leaving your partner. The aim of this article is simply a shout out: please, wait a little! Why? Simply because you need to understand what has brought you where you are now, that is, you need to understand what happened in-between. That’s the 2nd phase.

2nd phase: I never knew

After that initial fire brought you together as couple you became exposed to another side of reality that you were unable to see at first. Living together gives you a kind of habitual feeling, perhaps monotony also, that tampers the passion. Then, you realise that staying together as a couple takes more than love intoxication. You may need to share a common project, which demands also sharing common objectives and goals. But will both of you supply the necessary means, and assume the necessary attitudes? Do both of you feel you are owning something together in common?

It’s by trying to get responses to such questions that may leave you in doubts regarding the future of your couple, especially if you have become so distant. But believe me that’s not fatality; indeed, it’s a crisis but you can negotiate it. Hence, you will do well to avoid hasty decision, or you risk disengaging yourself prematurely from your present relationship and hurl yourself into the arms of someone else. It may not be wise! So, hurry not to the next step!

For your future

Instead, look back and see what happened. Such a time spent in fair-minded reflection may bring a new breath to your relationship so much that, instead of a break-up, to your surprise, you just bounce back in a stronger and more fulfilling relationship. And should you break up, still, you will have something as learned lesson that may save you from falling into the same trap tomorrow.

Therefore, take courage and look straight into the eyes of those issues around your couple; ask and try to answer honestly: what is it that may have turned us from lovers to enemies? My dear, look back and see what happened in-between; only then, would you be in the position to make an informed and well reflected step.

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See also:

Before your next Step in your Couple

Expectations IV. Harmonising Expectations in your Couple

Expectations III. How Demanding Partner are You?

Expectations II. How High is your Target in your Couple?

Expectations: What do they do to your Couple?