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When You Fall in love

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Hi! I’m Fr Evans Chama, I propose to you, Falling in love as our next topic in our series (Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple) in which we chat about various issues concerning life in the couple.

But what does falling in love have to do with you?

Falling in love, I can imagine, it’s the topic you least expect at this time seeing the number of years some of you may have spent with your partner in the relationship or marriage. However, I can assure you, you have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

In fact, in order to advance in life, especially after meeting challenges in the course of your relationship, you need to stop and trace where you are coming from. And what better point to start from if not the time when you fell in love with your better half? Such visit to your past may help you to identify issues that have been the cause of knots, or lumps, in your relationship.

What happens when you fall in love?

When you fall in love you are captivated, or drawn, by someone. Often the point of attraction are differences between you two as persons. In other words, you are drawn by the qualities of the other person, those qualities which you may be lacking. Such opposite traits are called complementary traits.  An introvert person, for example, will most likely be drawn by an extrovert person. Such experience, as you remember your own, can be quite overwhelming. That explains certain tendencies.

What are some of such tendencies?

You idealise the person you have fallen in love with, it’s like they are an angel to you. And you minimise even the apparent imperfections. In fact, everything about that person is quite amusing to you. At such moment, any advice against the relationship is little appreciated even when the concerns may be well founded. But where does such obstinacy come from? You may wonder.

Well, I would begin by saying, it’s not easy to advise a person who’s drunk. And falling in love has similar effects as when a person is under the influence of drugs. That’s why it’s not an ideal moment to take important decisions when you are under the charm of such strong love feelings. At this moment, you are likely to entertain the illusion that the imperfections you notice in the would-be partner are trivial; you will easily manage them. So, you hear some people say, especially women, “I will change him”. Well, today you can check to see how much you have managed to change your partner.

Facing the moment of truth

When emotions have settled, you begin to see things much clearer and more realistically than before. Then, you realise that the other is not an angel you thought them to be; they are blood and flesh like any other with their strengths and weaknesses. And the traits in them that you once found amusing may turn out to be pretty annoying. It’s not necessarily because the partner has changed, it’s your way of looking them that has changed. And what may be more disturbing is to face the “failure” of not being able to change the partner as you thought to. You are disillusioned.  

That’s where I see the relevance of revisiting the beginning of your relationship -when you fell in love. Why? Today you may have a blockage somewhere in your relationship owing to the fact that you continue blaming your partner that they can’t change. Such frustration feeds on your illusion that you can change your partner, and so you attempt to change them. But, in fact, you can’t change another person – you simply have no power to do so. The only person you can change is yourself.

If this is an issue in your couple, then, you need to come to terms with such truth, which may be disconcerting. Besides, the success of your relationship does not depend on changing your partner but rather understanding and respecting them in their difference.

You might as well need to come to terms with certain things that you had ignored as inconsequential imperfections which, today, you realise that   they are not as petty as you had earlier thought. So, it may be helpful for you to see: What are those things you ignored that may be causing pain in your couple today? Is there a way out, or do you see yourself like someone caught in a kind of deadlock?

But you can have positive impact on your partner

However, the fact that you can’t change your partner doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it. Talk about that with your partner, presenting issues as you see them and how you feel about them, but without judging or accusing the other. Sometimes it takes your openness to make your partner aware of the suffering they inflict on you by their behaviour, and possibly incite them to change. It means that though you may find something annoying in your partner does not necessarily mean they do them deliberately to irritate you. Hence, communication is key in improving your relationship. I intentionally use the word “improving”. Why?

Have no illusion to think that your partner will change completely; nevertheless, it’s encouraging to acknowledge the effort they begin to make towards making a better couple.

If you look into your relationship, you certainly discover issues that have been training behind you from the time you fell in love. Hence, such visit to your past is a way of addressing unresolved issues in your couple, which is necessary for you two to move on. Indeed, this chat will have attained its purpose if it incites you to address issues of your relationship that have remained unattended to for long time. It’s time to face your past in order to move on.

Riding on the happy past

Besides, memories of the satisfying relationship in your early days can also help to rejuvenate your relationship. So, go back to those days when you were courting and pick out elements that can help you today to move your relationship a step further. In short, the experience of falling remains an important foundation of your relationship. It’s useful to revisit such founding experience in order to refuel yourselves. That’s the intention of this series.

And feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment area below the post on the blog.

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog so that you receive new postings by email.

See also:    Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple

Recovering the Lamb in your Spouse

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recovering the Lamb in your Spouse

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Recovering the  Lamb in your Spouse! You may wonder: what’s the lamb? And what does recovering the lamb mean?

Change in your couple

Today you may be wandering, as some people say about their spouse: this is not the person I married. It’s like your spouse has become a different person altogether. Nothing works anymore between you two.

The spouse who was once like a pet, whom you adored and caressed, today has become a lion you never dare to touch anymore. But this was an affectionate person who whispered on your ears those sweet words that left you feeling you were a princess or a prince. You were so connected with your partner so much that just a glance and they knew what you needed. And so, they were ever attentive to render you little services. You felt you had a companion. That was the lamb in your spouse.

Unfortunately, it may no longer be the case today. Today, your spouse hardly addresses you a gentle word, and for the services that they rendered you voluntarily, without you asking for them, today even if you ask, you will be lucky to have a polite answer from them.

That tenderness and gentleness of the lamb are gone and there seems to remain only the glowing lion; that’s all seems to remain of your partner. You simply have no idea what has gone wrong. In such circumstances, there’s a risk of you acting in the manner that helps the lion to settle even though it’s the lamb you want.

Is your reaction part of the solution or part of the problem

As reaction, you are likely to demonise your partner as a way of justifying your reaction. Far from seeking and proposing a solution, you are preoccupied with proving that your reaction is appropriate considering the behaviour of your spouse. But that doesn’t help your relationship, if anything, it only worsens the situation. That’s why you need to check out if the way you react to your spouse is part of the solution or is part of the problem, that is, if what you do helps to resolve the problem or only worsens it. Whatever you do should be inspired by a healthy belief about your spouse. What is that belief?

The Lamb is still there

Even though your spouse shows more of the lion tendency it’s important to keep it in mind that the lamb is still there too. But if the lion co-exists with the lamb, isn’t there the danger of the lion devouring the lamb?

No worries! You don’t need to panic about seeking to save the lamb from the grip of the lion. In fact, I doubt if you will be able to overpower the lion in order to rescue the lamb. If anything, you risk provoking the lion, and thus endangering the lamb. All you need to do, firstly, is to avoid the action-reaction, especially the temptation to activate the little lion in you to fight the lion in your spouse. Or else, you risk finding yourself in the vicious circle of violence. In such a way, it’s the lion that is strengthened further and the lamb is weakened.

So, what do you do?

Starve the lion and feed the lamb, which means: speak words that show you still believe in your partner; words that are going to give confidence to the lamb in your partner. Make your spouse believe in themselves, talk about their qualities and state your feelings about what’s happening in your couple without judging them.

You should know, aggressive partners, often, are not the strongest persons you can find. They are only vulnerable persons simply seeking to protect themselves. The lion attitude that they may develop in the relationship is only a way of assuring their own security. But when you assure them and make them feel secure; they need no more the lion to glow for their security. And once they are secure, the lamb that you thought had disappeared, to your surprise, will just come out trotting, of course, to your pleasure. In that way, gentleness finds its place again in your relationship.

Action in favour of the lamb

Identify: what’s the lion in your partner’s behaviour today? How are you responding? Are you acting in the manner that makes your partner feel the need of the powerful lion to protect them? What words and actions, as change on your part, would render useless the protection of the lion and thus make lamb secure enough to come out?

It means, by the way you react to the behaviour of your spouse, you either strengthen the lion or you encourage the lamb to come out. So, it’s not just about the other spouse; it’s the matter between you -and both of you are responsible for whatever is going on in your couple. Hence, it comes back to you to decide and to act accordingly depending on what you want for your relationship -giving more space to the lion or to the lamb?

See also: Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog so that you receive new postings by email.

Feel free to leave here below your comment, contribution or question.

Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple

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Introducing a new series: It’s for my couple!

Hi! I’m Fr Evans Chama, specialised in family, couples and sexuality. I’m engaged in a number of activities related to family and marriage. I offer, for example, pre marriage and post marriage counselling, offer sessions on the different topics on family and couples. And I equally accompany couples and families in difficulties. It’s out of such background that I propose to you a series called: It’s for my couple in which I shall be treating, on my blog, (https://singlehumanity.com/) a number of topics related to your life in the couple or family.

On my blog, you have the possibility of leaving your comment or contribution, in such way that such interaction becomes a kind of collective intelligence where we enrich one another by sharing our knowledge and our different experiences.

Why this series? I recognise that when you have issues in your couple, or family, there’s a feeling as if that’s the end of it all. You have little hope that things can be well again.  This is because often you do not recognise the resources you have within you as a person, and as couple, to manage the conflicts in your couple in constructive way.

In this series, I intend to make you aware of the capacity within you, and stimulate you, to stand up to the challenges in your relationship. Yes, you can manage issues in your couple in such way that you can, once again, find the joy of smiling at your partner.

So, come with me, I want to walk with you on this journey. See you at couple’s corner on my blog https://singlehumanity.com/.

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog so that you receive new postings by email.

Before You Take the Next Step in your Couple

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Oh, whatever happened to your couple! Anyhow, whatever the case, before taking your next step try to understand what happened in-between.

Before taking next step in your couple

But What’s this in-between?

No need for me to speculate, you know better than I do what you are going through in your couple. Depending on what’s happening, some people may be contemplating making a new step, which I call the 4th phase. There are two possibilities: some people may continue, and others may say, enough is enough -it’s time to go our separate ways. However, whatever direction you decide to take, it may be useful for you to understand better what has happened to your couple in-between. From the first time you met, full of passion for each other; and today, when you may have questions and doubts about your relationship. Certainly, something has happened. That’s why I propose to you, in this article, to consecrate a time of serious reflection on this in-between phase of your couple before you can move on.

Phases in my couple?

Don’t trouble your head to figure out phases in your couple, there are none. Nevertheless, for my own organisation of ideas I talk about phases in your couple. For now, I give you three phases. Whatever feelings you may have about your couple today, it’s due to the journey you have made together so far. You are a couple today because at one time you decided to come together, that is, something brought you together.  And if today you feel confirmed in your relationship or, perhaps, you have questions and doubts, all the same, that’s due to the experience you have had together. So, that initial encounter I call it 1st phase, your journey so far as 2nd phase, where you stand today as 3rd phase, and finally the step you are contemplating of making as 4th phase. I dedicate this article to you especially for negotiating from 3rd to 4th phase. The article is for you!

The primary matter for this article is your lived experience, and as couple, you are primary actors. And you are the ones who may be confronted with questions, calling for a decision or a step to take. Hence, all I intend to do in this article is just to poke you, keeping you awake, so that you make decisions that are well informed and calculated. So, let’s use phases as a way packaging your experience.

1st Phase: Love intoxication

In the previous articles of the series, Family & Couple’s Corner, I have made allusion to this aspect. Falling in love is like being under the influence of drugs, you are completely under charm of the beloved one and all that comes from your mouth as you address that person is: my heart, my darling, my dear, my love. It’s all about my, my and my… it’s total possession and union so much that any room for separation is simply unimaginable. At this time, who can advise you against your inclination? Such a person, in your eyes, is only a jealous one intent on destroying your happiness, so you think. For that, you won’t give him a chance. In fact, he will be lucky if you can ignore him with politeness, otherwise, he risks much more than that. At this stage of intoxication with love your power for evaluation is at its lowest. On the contrary, everything about the beloved one appears rosy and you have the tendency to idealise him. Anyway, no need for detail, I refer you to How to Restore Warmth to your Relationship. So, let’s move on.

3rd Phase: Name calling

From phase one to phase three? What a transition! Probably you begin to wonder if I’m not actually some intoxication. Well, I deliberately choose to do it such way. I bring you straight to phase three where, probably, you are presently bogged down with questions, doubts, and feeling of disillusionment. What could be the signs?

My love, my heart, my dear or darling; these words that used to be your everyday vocabulary, but today, not only they may have become rare but also unbearable -you just can’t bring yourself to pronounce them anymore. Besides, those passion-filled SMS you used to exchange, which you jealously kept in your archives; today, they may be top on the list of things to delete. If you loved walking hand in hand, today maybe it’s the contrary -you are miles apart. And you may find that the most spontaneous word that you address the other so easily is: don’t touch me! Of course, it may not be intentional, but just the result of the journey you have had together -a rough one. Oh friends, whatever happened to your couple! Indeed, a relationship can change drastically, turning passionate lovers into sworn enemies. If you doubt, just try to attend divorce proceedings in the court of law.  Unbelievable! It’s such drastic change that inspired me into considering this reflection.

So, given how things may have turned out in your relationship you probably find yourself bent on taking a decision in a certain direction, but the aim of this article is simply a shout out: please, wait a little! Why? Simply because you need to understand what has brought you where you are now, that is, you need to understand what happened in-between. That’s the 2nd phase.

2nd phase: I never knew

After that initial fire brought you together as couple you became exposed to another side of reality that you were unable to see at first. Living together gives you a kind of habitual feeling, perhaps monotony also, that tampers the passion. Then, you realise that staying together as a couple takes more than love intoxication; you may need to share a common project, which demands also sharing common objectives and goals. But will both of you apply the necessary means and assume the necessary attitudes? Do both of you feel you are owning something together in common? It’s by trying to get responses to such questions that may leave you in doubts regarding the future of your couple. But believe me that’s not fatality, it’s only a crisis that you can negotiate. Hence, you will do well to avoid hasty decision, or you risk disengaging yourself prematurely from your present relationship and hurl yourself into the arms of someone else. It may not be wise!

So, no precipitating the next step!

Instead, look back and see what happened. Such a time spent in fair-minded reflection, to your amazement, may bring a new breath to your relationship so much that, instead of a break-up, you just bounce back in a stronger and more fulfilling relationship. And should you break up, still, you will have something as learned lesson that may save you from falling into the same trap tomorrow.

Therefore, take courage and look straight into the eyes of those issues around your couple; ask and try to answer honestly: what is it that may have turned us from lovers to enemies? My dear, look back and see what happened in-between; only then would you be in the position to make an enlightened step.

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See previous posts:

Conflicts in Your Couple; Who’s Nasty?

Do you know the enemy of your relationship?

How to Restore Warmth to your Relationship

Conflicts in Your Couple; Who’s Nasty?

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Conflicts are not alien to relationships for we can find them not only in couples but also between friends and colleagues. Yet, they seem to be poorly known and that’s the reason for their bad press. But are conflicts really bad and necessarily the fruit of nasty persons?  Let’s look at them with an unbiased eye and see what we can find.

Who’s nasty?

In the previous article of the series, Family & Couples Corner, we looked at the attitude towards your partner that would help you deal with conflicts in a manner that builds up your couple. We concluded by saying that it’s important to keep it in your conscience that your partner, regardless of the disagreements between you, is not an opponent against whom you are engaged in a race. If you are still interested in your couple, take him then as team mate with whom you collaborate to improve your relationship (cf. Do you know the enemy of your relationship?). In the present article we take a step further.

Here we focus on your attitude towards the conflicts themselves. The aim is to help you appreciate conflicts for what they are so that you can make the best out of them. Firstly, we shall try to understand what’s behind conflicts? Then, secondly, we shall see in which circumstances they can be damaging; and thirdly, how can conflicts help to improve your couple? 

What are conflicts?

It happens sometimes that we hold as true certain ideas about things or persons out of sheer habitude. Consequently, those unverified ideas go on to influence even our relationship with those things or persons. That’s the case with conflicts. Let’s check it out!

Conflicts at first sight

A brainstorming on conflicts in a couple will most likely evoke words like: struggles, fights, opposition, injustice, hostility, divorce, enmity, nastiness, competition, exchange of bad words; to mention but just some. Such words, mainly negative, are likely to induce you to conclude that conflicts are bad. Are they?

Indeed, you may have negative impression not by hazard but as a result of the experience you may have had in your own relationships or seen in other couples. Naturally, you want to avoid conflicts for you consider them as unhealthy for a relationship. It means, you have known their destructive effects, but that’s only one side of the coin.

What’s behind conflicts?

Essentially, conflicts are about divergence of interest or point of view between persons or groups that are in relationship. And I want to affirm immediately that it’s legitimate for two persons to have different perceptions, interests and points of view. Besides, when two persons have a conflict it’s a sign that there’s a kind of relationship between them. It’s impossible for persons between whom there’s zero interaction to have conflicts. As a result of conflict you may find yourself in an interaction of competition where each person is pulling to his side, seeking to gain against the other; however, it may also happen, conflict can lead you to a positive interdependence in which you end up collaborating with the other. That’s why we would say that conflicts will be damaging or constructive depending on how you deal with them. Let’s see how.

When can conflicts be damaging?

Conflicts can be damaging when they are not well managed. When can that happen?

Conflicts can be destructive when you become ruthless competitors in a relationship so much that it’s your personal interest that takes precedence –the couple simply dies.

Besides, such rivalry may lead you to biased perception both of the problem at hand and of your partner too. When you are in conflict the tendency is to see things negatively, thus, having sentiments that risk impacting negatively the relationship. There’s also the risk of your disagreements escalating so much that you end up losing sight of their problem, mainly because you don’t listen anymore to each other –there’s communication breakdown. Consequently, instead of addressing the problem you resort to attacking each other.

It may happen also that you simply start avoiding each other; the consequences are not any better.

When you systematically resort to dodging as response to clashes you may be rewarded with an appearance of peace; you have less or practically no confrontations at all. Nonetheless, your couple has not become any better –you have only switched your relationship off. Out of lack of mutual trust between yourselves, you fear to express your feelings or views. So you have an appearance of peace while, in reality, there’s something simmering underneath –a time bomb likely to explode when you least expect it.

That’s why we can’t measure the quality of a relationship in terms of the absence of conflicts but rather by the manner in which the couple deals with them. That brings us to the other face of conflicts.

When are conflicts constructive?

Conflicts can be helpful when you receive them as signal; alerting you that something needs to be fixed in your relationship.

The experience of conflicts equips you as couple with skills necessary for handling other conflicts that may come up later. Happy couples will certainly testify about their long journey of learning to face and to resolve their disagreements, especially in the early days of their relationship. Through disagreements partners come to know each other better, and thus, learn to respect each other’s needs. In this way, conflicts can open up frank communication, necessary for healthy relationship in a couple.

Wrapping up

Evidently, your attitude both to your partner and to the conflict itself will affect significantly the manner you deal with problems in your relationship. If you consider conflicts as bad you are likely to shy away from them, as not good for ideal couple. That can kill your relationship. This reminds me of the image evoked by Étienne Chomé, an animator in managing daily conflicts.

When you see two fish in an aquarium heading towards each other; you have the impression that they are going to knock into each other. However, just before they can touch, they make a sudden movement by which they swim away avoiding any contact. That can happen in a couple; there are no conflicts simply because there’s no contact between partners –they are divorced since long time even though they continue to appear like a couple.

On the contrary, you can make use of conflicts as dashboard that gives you the information about the state of your relationship, and so stimulates you into acting accordingly.

Conflicts in a couple, who’s nasty?

In conclusion, I just want to answer the question evoked in the title: Conflicts in a couple; who’s nasty? Well, conflicts are not necessarily about nastiness but about difference. You have conflict simply because you are in I-thou relationship. It means you have conflicts not because your partner is nasty but because he’s different from you.

There you realise that what’s vital in your couple is not necessarily eliminating the conflicts, but rather, mutual respect of the other’s views and needs. Then, you can be different and yet live in harmony.

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See also:

Do you know the enemy of your relationship?

How to Restore Warmth to your Relationship

 

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