We have come to the end of our chats on expectations in a couple. Just to recap: we looked at what expectations are and what they can do to your couple. We saw low and high expectations and their possible impact on your relationship. In the last chat, we addressed also the question of realistic and unrealistic expectations. If you missed these parts, you can always go back by following the links, at the end of this post.

And in this concluding part on expectations, we want to emphasize the importance of harmonizing your expectations. It’s way, in fact, of making a couple despite the fact that you are two different persons making that couple.

Harmonising expectations in your couple

 

 

Whatever expectations you have, talk about them to your partner. And remember that your partner also has expectations depending on the family of origin, personality and needs. By talking, you try to harmonise, you try to constitute one couple. Your partner may challenge some of your expectations, just like you, also, can challenge theirs, if they are not realistic.

Depending on your upbringing you may expect, for example, as head of the family, to be placed on the pedestal. But perhaps your partner sees things differently.

Or you may see it as normal to run your home from your pocket, as things may have happened in the family in which you grew up, where your wife doesn’t even know how much you earn.  You see things as normal. Yet, you may be married to a woman who believes, and thus expects you, that you declare your salary so that together you make the budget. It’s by dialogue that you can try to reconcile your different hopes and beliefs which you may be carrying in yourself, concerning your couple.

Seeing the important influence that expectations can have on your relationship, during courtship is good time to talk about, especially those important expectations. Don’t waste your time just saying nice things to prove you are the ideal girl or ideal boy to marry. Neither is it time to be saying yes to every demand of the partner. Be open and genuine. Say what you like and what you don’t like. It’s a period to see if you can, or not, go ahead with the relationship. Unfortunately, here some people miss the point, and they end up making serious mistakes, to their regret later on.

In face of evident signs, contrary to their expectations for a marriage partner, some people decide to go ahead to marry the person with the illusion that: “I will change him”; but only to find themselves later miserable in their marriage. You can’t change the other, you simply cannot!

Expectations vs goals

In conclusion, we esteem it important to mark the difference between expectations and goals. For whatever aspirations you would like to realise in your couple, it’s not enough just to have expectations. You need also the will to act in the manner that will help you realise those expectations. Then, what’s the difference between expectations and goals?

Goals are fixed in relation to clear action plan, and they are flexible. In this way, when circumstances arise which change the plan of action, even the goals are likely to be modified. In a way, goals are also expectations but always with the necessary action. So, a goal is not about wishful thinking! You must act! Expectations, on the contrary, may be simple aspirations without necessarily putting in place the means of realising them. So, you can see if you content yourself with simple aspirations in your couple, or if you are really committed to act in the way that will enable you to realise your dreams in, and for, couple.

Finally, I just want to leave you with the questions with which we opened this chat on expectations. So, what are some of your expectations in your couple? Where do they come from? What are you doing in order to fulfil them? How are they affecting your couple?

To keep update with our achats on the issues of family, couples and sexuality, we invite you to join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog: singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

See also:

Expectations III. How Demanding Partner are You?

Expectations II. How High is your Target in your Couple?

Expectations: What do they do to your Couple?

Hedges in a Couple IV: Partners Working as a Team

Last time we talked about low and high expectations, and we ended by remarking that we should avoid confusing high and low expectations, on one hand, with realistic and unrealistic expectations, on the other. So, in this new chat we want to begin with realistic and unrealistic expectations.

Realistic and unrealistic expectations

Expectations, whether they are high or low, will be considered as realistic if they are achievable. And they are unrealistic if they are only utopia, that is, if they lack the possibility of being realised. Indeed, for example, it would only be fair to expect from your partner in a love relationship: affection, respect, intimacy; to mention but just some.

On the other hand, you have unrealistic, or unreasonable, expectations when you over expect. You are expecting much more than is possible. That can be stressing, as you cleave for things impossible to realise. That is not helpful to you or to your partner either. It creates unnecessarily stress in the relationship. Here we don’t go into detail as what may constitute over expectations, couples vary from one to another. But you are expert of your own couple –you know your situation. You know what’s possible and what’s not. And certainly, it would not be necessary to stretch your partner with demands that only leave them stressed. That doesn’t do good service to your relationship.

Pros and Cons of expectations

Like any other thing, there are two sides to expectations; positives and negatives. Let’s look at some of them.

You get what you stroke

Expectations, especially the demanding ones, help holding your relationship to high standard. You strive for high quality interactions. And because you work in that sense you are likely also to get excellent results. You get what you stroke.

However, if you aim high and expect a lot, chances are high for disappointment. It’s true in a case of anxious partners who can be quite demanding because of their tendency to feeling unsatisfied and wanting more. They feel not loved enough. Others may even admire their couple, the good husband or wife they have –but they don’t just see and appreciate that.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Psychologically, an expectation is somehow a belief about what you think will happen in the future. It inspires your behaviour, thus, things may turn out to be as expected, because you actually worked on it. In that way, the expectation served you as stimulant. Expecting good things becomes, hence, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Contrariwise, expecting not-so-good things becomes also a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don’t get much because you didn’t expect much either.

High expectations of your partner’s behaviour lead you to be your best self too; low expectations of your partner’s behaviour lead you to let yourself off the hook, too. You become mediocre; you are average in everything you do.

Risk of stress

The stress and the pressure from expectations, especially if accumulated for long time, may lead to resentment, anger and disappointment towards each other. When you have expectations about your partner, in a way, you wait for them to fit in your way of seeing things; leaving them little room to be themselves. You don’t respect the other for who they are but by how much they please you by meeting your demands. That can be quite self-centred.

It’s in that way that expectations can potentially strain the couple’s relationship. Locked up in your own expectations “should” becomes a recurring term in your couple, with rigid rules that you want to impose on your partner. However, remember, your spouse is not a child to be parented by you; they are your companion with whom you should work things out, consensually.  That’s why you need to take into account your partner’s expectations too.

In fact, it’s necessary as partners to harmonise your expectations in your couple. How do you do that? That will be for our next chat.

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post. Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

See also:

Expectations II. How High is your Target in your Couple?

Expectations: What do they do to your Couple?

Hedges in a Couple IV: Partners Working as a Team

Making Hedges in Your Couple III; Master What You See

The Threat to Your Couple; Making Hedges II

Making a hedge in Your Couple I

We sharted looking at expectations in your couple. We saw what expectations are, and we also tried to look at how expectations can affect you, your partner and you relationship. In this chat we shall look at low and high expectations: what are they? And what’s their impact on your relationship?

High and low expectations

It’s difficult to imagine entering a relationship with zero expectations. In normal circumstances, you will certainly have them. What will make a difference, however, from one person to another, or from one couple to another; is the attitude you have towards those expectations, as well as whether you have high or low expectations.

High expectations

These are expectations which could be considered as demanding. The standard is high. When you apply yourself to that high standard which you expect, you inspire your partner to deliver something close to that. In a way, you need to raise standards in order to have results which are relatively good. However, those expectations should be achievable and clear. It means you need to communicate what expect from your partner. That’s why it’s advisable in a relationship to talk clearly about your needs, your expectations or aspirations.  Never ever leave your partner to guessing.

In your high expectations, you should watch against the feeling of entitlement, that is, claiming from others as if you are entitled to what you want the others to be or to do for you. There’s a risk of being self-absorbed to the point of making the relationship in your couple turn around your own needs and interests alone. In fact, high expectations should be measured not only in terms of results but also in terms of efforts that are made towards meeting that excellence set in your relationship. Acknowledge the efforts that your spouse is making for the good of your couple. In that way, even when the expected results are not obtained you can, nevertheless, recognize what has been invested in the process towards the desired results.

The fact that expectations are high, chances are equally high that those expectations are not met. That can lead to frustrations. What you see as problems, consequently, would simply be disappointments because you don’t get what you expected.

Low expectations

In case of low expectations, you don’t wait to see much. In a way, it’s a subtle way of looking negatively on something. You are satisfied with the little achievement because you didn’t, in the first place, expect to see great results. In way, there’s no anxiety for failure since that is already somehow anticipated, and you are prepared for a disappointment. Although such attitude can give you some tranquillity, it doesn’t give much excitement to your relationship.

In fact, low expectations can lead to laxity. You don’t dream high, you don’t ask much and probably you won’t apply yourself much, and thus, you will also demand less from others. Consequently, you won’t probably get much. And as no much effort is invested into the relationship, what you get is often mediocre.

Where do expectations come from?

As we mentioned it’s important to enter a relationship with some expectations, however, you need to watch so that you are not enslaved, and you don’t enslave others by those expectations. Without being aware, you risk rendering them as something sacred. That’s why you need to master. And one way of doing it, is to know where they are coming from. You can idealise certain behaviours, not because there’s something really important about them, but simply because you were brought up like that. Indeed, what you may have as expectations may partly be the legacy from your family of origin, your parents’ couple or from your past relationships. But remember, your partner also may have different expectations, considered as important, simply because they have a different background from yours.

For clarity’s sake, you avoid confusing high and low expectations, on one hand, and with realistic and unrealistic expectations, on the other. So, what’s the difference between these two? Among other things, we shall try to answer this question in the next chat.

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post. Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

See also:

Expectations: What do they do to your Couple?

Hedges in a Couple IV: Partners Working as a Team

Making Hedges in Your Couple III; Master What You See

The Threat to Your Couple; Making Hedges II

Making a hedge in Your Couple I

Needless to say, when you and your partner decide to enter a conjugal relationship as couple, you have expectations. That is, there are things that you want, and those that you don’t want, to see in your relationship. These expectations will shape not only your attitude and your behaviour but will also have an important influence on your relationship. Just check out how your expectations are affecting your couple.

Questions about your couple

What are your feelings about your partner; do you feel loved enough? And if not, can you speak to your partner about how you would like to be loved? Concretely, what is it that is making you doubt your partner’s love for you? Are you considering others to be happier and more loving couples than you are? And is that tempting you to look for more fulfilling love outside your couple? How are you handling that?

Appreciating the significant impact which expectations may have on your relationship, both positive and negative, here we want to consider the way you can channel your expectations to become a motor that induces vitality and enthusiasm into your relationship.

What are expectations?

Expectations are also called anticipation, expectancy or prospects. Hence, expectations are beliefs or hopes about what you await to see. It could be the event which you want to take place or how you would like someone, your partner for instance, to behave.

How expectations affect you

Since expectations shape both your attitude and behaviour, it means, they can, to a certain extent, affect the reality of your life. Expectations will spur you to act in the way that enables you to obtain the results that you desire. You act also not only according to your own expectations but also according to the expectations of the people around you. It means, you too, by your expectations, you influence the behaviour of others. When you wait for someone to act in a certain way, in so doing, you both spur and channel them to act according your planned end.

In this way, we can say, expectations mark out your way. You know what you want and what you don’t want. However, it’s important also to keep in mind that expectations are not reality. They may come true or they may not. So, if you hold unbendingly to your expectations you risk being disappointed, even being hurt. Hence, as you work towards realising your expectations, it’s necessary also to leave some room for a surprise. In other words, be prepared for a disappointment.

Let’s now try to see how expectations can influence relationships, particularly a couple.

Expectations in your couple

There are things that you would like to see, and those that you wouldn’t want see, both in your partner and in your relationship. You want your partner to behave and treat you in a certain way. Once that is fulfilled that will contribute to your satisfaction. On the contrary, that is, in case of unmet expectations, you are likely to be frustrated. That contributes to dissatisfaction in your relationship. Unmet expectations, or unmet needs, can leave you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship.

But, are we saying you should abandon your couple to the whims of your unbridled expectations?

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post. Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

See also:

Hedges in a Couple IV: Partners Working as a Team

Making Hedges in Your Couple III; Master What You See

The Threat to Your Couple; Making Hedges II

Making a hedge in Your Couple I

 

In the last chat, still on the topic: Making hedges in a couple, we looked at the possible protections you can put in place, as far as internal personal hedges are concerned. In this new chat, and the last one on this topic, we look at the protection regarding the threats that may come internally from the partners themselves. That’s why we talk about the internal hedges as couple.

Internal hedges as couple

Some of the important forms of protections for a couple collectively are: effective communication and managing well conflicts. These will enhance intimacy and friendship, necessary for the bonding between partners in a couple. This will help to bring about satisfaction in a relationship, hence, there will be little temptation to go and seek it outside.

Unresolved issues

If there are unresolved issues, have the courage to discuss them, peacefully, with your partner. Don’t leave any important issue unresolved.

So, just look into your life as couple; aren’t there unresolved issues. Warning: if there are issues, just know that you have fertile soil for infidelity to flourish.

That’s why when you have cases of infidelity; just know that it’s not just about that spouse who went outside the relationship. It’s your affair together as couple. In fact, infidelity may be just an indicator that there’s crack in your couple, which you need to mend, before it gets worse! It’s a shared responsibility. And that can be achieved through partners who talk, and listen, to each other. Communication!

Sexual intimacy

Talking about intimacy, we can’t bypass sexual relationship. A couple that has sexual challenges is likely to have dissatisfaction in the relationship.  In fact, sex is one of the many principal triggers of tension in a couple. Hence, as couple, you should consider seriously improving your sexual life.

What are some of sexual challenges in your couple? For how long have they been there? And what are you doing about them?

Cultivating friendship

Marriage is more than just fulfilling the role of wife and mother or husband and father. When you are in a good relationship with your partner, as friends, you miss the other. You long to return home. On the contrary, if dispute is the only thing between you, you certainly have no desire of returning home when you are absent. You stay out, you only come back to sleep.

Good measure

Balance, equilibrium, is another necessary element for making an internal hedge as couple. Be careful with anything that comes to break your relationship. You may be committed to a cause so much that your role as wife/husband or mother/father suffers. So, if every time your husband, for example, comes home looking forward to meeting his sweetie -but perhaps you are always at church. Don’t be surprised if he ends up getting some “pagan” who’s more available.

So, if you think your spouse is having an affair; check yourself if you yourself, in some way, are not having an affair too. It may be with drink, work, business or any other noble cause. Check for anything that is coming between you and your spouse.

Conclusion

Talking of adultery or infidelity, we think people go out for sex; not always. They may look out for affection that they don’t get; eyes to look at them and make them feel a woman again. A woman desires to be looked at and be appreciated. It’s your role as husband to appreciate her, if not, another man will appreciate her, in your place. And that can have disastrous consequences.

Team work

When we talk of making hedges, we are not talking about being jealous; it’s not about watching whatever your partner is doing. It’s about saying, we are together in a relationship, we love each other, and we are interested in protecting our relationship from possible attacks. The attacks, as we have seen, can be from outside or from the couple itself.

Depending on the danger, you need to take the appropriate measures. Whatever the case, you are talking about protecting your couple, your marriage. So, it’s not about a man watching the wife or the wife watching the husband, but rather, working together, as a team, to safeguard your relationship.

Know yourself

Well, each couple is living in a different reality, and each partner in the couple has different strengths and weakness. Man know thyself. You know yourself and you know your partner. Don’t expose your partner, or yourself, to situations where you know they are vulnerable. Take precautions; avoid certain places and certain company. The future of your couple is in your hands, and it depends on how much you invest in it.

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post. Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

See also:

Making Hedges in Your Couple III; Master What You See

The Threat to Your Couple; Making Hedges II

Making a hedge in Your Couple I

Wrong Partner II; Infidelity in a Familiar Kitchen!

When You Feel You Have a Wrong Partner

When Men Choose a partner

Choosing your conjugal partner

Recovering the Lamb in your Spouse

When You Fall in love

Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple