Relationships Archives - Single humanity

The Threat to Your Couple; Making Hedges II

22/03/2020 by Evans Chama 1 Comment

The hedges in your couple, against who or against what?

Before you can create whatever fence, you should know the enemy or the threat. Against who, are you protecting your couple? Where’s the enemy?

In fact, there are both external and internal threats. It means, what’s going to pose a threat to the marriage is not just something out there, but also from the couple itself.

External enemy

As external enemy, we have persons out there who:

have no values of fidelity

have no respect for what belongs to others

desire or who are attracted to your spouse

or attract your spouse

Besides, we are a living in a society with easy interactions with little boundaries: through school, work, church, and easy means of communication.

The organisation of the traditional society, with its mechanism of separation doesn’t just work today. You are married man, married woman; but you share the same workspace with someone’s husband or wife. You can hate each other, or you can also be super friends, to the point of becoming even intimate friends, even more intimate than you are with your partner. And there you have the recipe for things to happen.

Given such exposure, it becomes necessary to have in place measures of protection, as hedges against the external intrusion.

Apart from these external “threats” there are also internal ones.

Internal enemy

What may provoke unfaithfulness are not just bad people out there, but also the partners themselves in the couple. This can take different forms. It can either be the weakness of the partners as individuals or the weakness of the relationship, as a couple.

As couple

A couple that is living in a chronic conflictual relationship, and where there’s serious lack of friendship between partners, is vulnerable to infidelity. I can add also, to say that, a couple that is seriously handicapped economically is vulnerable. In fact, if you look at some of the reasons people engage in sexual relationship -money is one of them. It’s just a reality of our society. The satisfaction that partners don’t get from their relationship will be sought elsewhere.

As individual partners

Partners, as individuals, may become vulnerable to infidelity due to number factors. The quality of the relationship can either make them strong or susceptible. An unhappy couple may tempt partners to seek outside what they don’t get in their relationship. Other personal factors may include:

Type of work they do, especially if it involves frequent and prolonged absence from home.

Their upbringing also counts, especially the type of family in which they grew up; was fidelity a value for their parents?

And it depends also on the moral virtues of the partner, the capacity to be faithful to their commitment.

What type of hedges?

External

Declare your relationship: Let people know of your relationship. Marrying before civil or religious authorities is a way of rendering public your relationship. Be proud of your partner, don’t be ashamed to introduce them to your friends or workmates and be ready to speak about them in a positive way. In that way, you are not selling yourself out as someone in need of rescue from a miserable couple.

Ideally, it’s important for a couple to be living together; prolonged absence doesn’t render good service to marriage.

Don’t expose yourself, or your partner, unnecessarily to danger. (The social etiquette for the Bemba of Zambia, a man who comes and finds his friend absent but only the friend’s wife, normally he shouldn’t stay. Of course, it depends on the number of situations, especially when there’s no one else around. Why?

An unbridled familiarity can lead to trouble. It’s good to bear in mind that there are not rare cases where problems in a couple are triggered, not by strangers, but close family friends.

In fact, when there’s a problem in a couple, there’s tendency to compare your spouse with their friends to point of entertaining the dream: “I wish I was married to his or her friend -I would have been better off.”

When you are harbouring such thoughts towards your partner’s friends, then, it’s important to take precautions in the way you interact with them. When you appreciate the risk, you take the necessary steps to mitigate it.

Internal

For internal hedges, you think of those concerning the individual partners and as couple collectively.

Internal personal hedges

Cultivating values of fidelity and being coherent with one’s commitment. Know yourself: know your strengths and your weakness, and then act appropriately. That is, know what renders you vulnerable: alcohol? Desire for money? Then, know the safety valves to put in place: what amount to drink, where and in which company?

Why do I insist on knowing yourself and putting in place safety nets? It’s because often people begin with no intention of committing adultery, but they end up in it.

Knowing oneself includes also admitting that you are vulnerable. You are not stronger than anyone else. You are human being; you are attracted by others, and you also attract some people. There’s nothing wrong with that; what matter is what you do thereafter, taking into account of the existing relationships. How careful are you about putting hedges in place?

Do you have a crush on someone? How are you handling it? Don’t deny it. Admit you are feeling something for someone and then “run away”, if you must.

The situation worsens when you don’t want to accept and to face what’s going on, and so, you don’t run away. “There’s nothing”, you say, and so you put no hedges. If you don’t admit there’s something to hurt you, you won’t run away. You shall be caught up.

Running away is not about avoiding people, but rather, facing what’s happening and taking the respectable distance, especially avoiding those situations where you see yourself defenceless.

Eyes, actions and the mind are three areas in need of hedges, where internal and personal threats are concerned. But we shall develop that in the next chat.

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post. Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

Making a hedge in Your Couple I

08/03/2020 by Evans Chama 2 Comments

What is a hedge? A hedge or hedgerow is a fence formed by closely growing bushes or trees which serve as boundary and as barrier against intrusion.

What’s a couple? Here we refer to the conjugal couple, that is, man and woman who are committed to each other in an intimate and exclusive relationship.

And so, when we talk of making a hedge in a couple, we are talking about putting in place measures to safeguard the conjugal relationship against whatever may risk violating this exclusivity. This in no way means living in isolation, cut off from others. That’s not the point.

As men and women, we are relational beings, meant to interact with others. Yet, marriage is a special relationship with that special person, as wife or husband, in an exclusive way. It means, I can’t relate to more than one person as wife or husband. If not for some cultures which permit polygamy, that will be infidelity.

We don’t wait till our relationship is threatened in order to act, rather, we need to be proactive in safeguarding it. I mean, we protect jealously that which we treasure. Indeed, isn’t prevention not better than cure?

In different cultures we find mechanisms put in place which serve to preserve the exclusivity of the conjugal relationship.

Hedges in cultures

What do we find, for example, in the palaces? It’s the eunuchs who attached to the service of the royal household. One reason, among others, is to safeguard the imperial ladies’ chastity.

You would find also chastity belts which women wore in order to prevent them from having sexual intercourse with another man apart from their legal partner.

There were also certain relations marked by the observance of certain distance, like among in-laws like a man with his mother in-law or a woman with her father in-law. The distance is in order to avoid the familiarity likely to lead to overstepping boundaries, with all the possible scandalous consequences.

In strong patriarchal societies you also find limited of interaction between members of the opposite sex.

And today, we have laws regarding adultery; adultery which can even be a motive for divorce. Such laws and the associated penalties act as hedges.

But why is fencing important?

Infidelity, adultery precisely, is a reality of conjugal life. It brings a lot of suffering to partners, at times even a complete break up of marriage, thus affecting children too, if there are any. so, we just can’t afford being indifferent to such reality.

Suffering that infidelity may cause

The unfaithful partner loses trust, breaks the vows and risks losing not only the spouse but also that they have built together in that relationship. Beginning all over again may not be easy, besides, who knows if the new relationship will work?

Betrayed partner risks, psychologically, suffering from loss of self-esteem, “I’m nothing”; why did he leave me for another woman? There’s also the abuse of trust.

Children who are raised in a conflictual home, marked by infidelity and broken home will likely have challenges in their development as persons. Another problem is the difficulty of being brought up by stepparents if their parents break up and remarry.

Besides the suffering proper to each individual, the family, as collective unity, suffers also. The entire family may suffer economically because of the deviation of resources, especially when there are not enough.

But the hedge against who or what?

Before you can create whatever fence, you should know the enemy or the threat. Against whom are you protecting your couple? Where’s the enemy?

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post. Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

Wrong Partner II; Infidelity in a Familiar Kitchen!

05/01/2020 by Evans Chama 3 Comments

Infidelity in a familiar kitchen is the title I give to this second part of the topic: When you feel you have a wrong partner. This is because one of the consequences of such feeling, if not well managed, is disloyalty to the partner, especially in form of extra-conjugal affairs with people who may be very close to you as a couple. In fact, it begins with comparing.

We have established that there comes a time when you begin to wonder whether you have chosen a right person for your partner. And that’s normal. However, the consequence of such sentiments depends on what you do with them. And one danger is comparing.

Comparison, enemy of your relationship

You may begin to measure your partner against your beliefs about how a partner should be, consequently, you want your partner to fit in the pattern of your ideals. Worse enough, you begin to compare your partner with their friends to the point of entertaining the idea that you would have been, perhaps, better off if you were married to your partner’s friend. No surprise then that in extra-conjugal affairs, when there are frustrations in a couple, it’s not rare to find close friends involved. That’s why I talk about infidelity baked in a familiar kitchen. Women are more prone to such comparison than men, according to Marriage and Family therapist, William Doherty.

While it’s important to have ideals, and we all have them, however, it can be disastrous to be fixated to what you consider as ideal partner and ideal relationship. You no longer work to improve your actual relationship, but you are busy fantasising over what it should be. As a result, there’s a risk of being bossy as you try to force your partner to bend to your ideals. Your partner may not appreciate it, and so, you are likely to get it back into your face, in form of hostile reaction. A relationship that is worthy the name, is fashioned not by one person but by the partners involved. But, does that mean that every person is good for you for a partner? No!

Certain partner may not be good for you

For any relationship to work, there must be points where you cross paths as partners. Indeed, how do we talk of a relationship if you have nothing in common? They will be considered as wrong partners for you persons with whom you don’t share fundamental values and goals. With such persons it’s just impossible to advance together in the same direction. Here, the responsibility is on the one choosing the partner.

Before you can enter a durable relationship, you need to be mature enough to have developed your personality, that is, you discover who you are, and your fundamental values and goals in life. In that way, you have an idea what kind of person you want to spend life with, capable of helping you realise what’s core to your life. Getting into a life commitment without knowing where you stand, you risk passing from one relationship to another, thinking it’s the other person who’s bad, but in fact, you are simply still trying to discover yourself. And if you do not know who you are, and what you are looking for, it will be hard to choose the right partner for you.

The question as occasion for growth

We have established that, wondering if your partner is the right person for you, is something that every person may experience at a certain point. What will make the difference, however, is the manner you make use of such sentiments. The question posed, as a kind of disillusionment, can be an occasion of growth for you and for your relationship. That is, you come to know yourself better, recognising your needs especially the unfulfilled ones. In fact, it gives you the possibility of talking about your needs with your partner. It’s necessary in a relationship to be able to express your needs to your partner. Indeed, talking about your needs is like exposing your vulnerability, which is also important in a relationship. Telling your partner about your profound yearnings, what you would like to realise in your life and what you lack, contributes to knowing each other mutually. In that way, instead of complaining or planning straightaway to leave the relationship, you have the possibility of discussing how those needs can be met within your relationship.

What’s your focus?

Another way in which the disillusionment can be an occasion for growth, is when you change the motivation. You no longer focus on what’s good for you alone, which is self-centred, but you focus on the health of that bond that unites you as partners. Then, you become more accommodating than retaliating in the manner you respond to what’s happening in your relationship. It may not be easy, but if continuing the relationship is a value for you, you are likely not only to invest much effort, but also to make the necessary sacrifice, for the good of the relationship. On the contrary, if you have no intention to remain in the relationship, anything displeasing will only serve as an excuse to seek an exit door, out of your relationship.

Partner interested in the relationship

So, it’s not just about compatibility for the relationship to work; there’s need for a will and investment. “There is no such thing as two people meant for each other,” says Michelle Givertz, “It’s a matter of adjusting and adapting.” Indeed, a couple will most likely pull through its challenges if the two partners have interest in their relationship; that is, if they are ready to accommodate each other and make necessary adjustments. Doherty’s observation is pertinent for introspection: “We’re all difficult. Everyone who is married is a difficult spouse. We emphasize that our spouse is difficult and forget how we’re difficult for them.” So, I would say, we only need to accept the normal course of any conjugal relationship: first, the fantasy of idealizing the partner, and later, the shock of realising that your partner isn’t that perfect as you thought them to be.

Finally, what are you looking for?

In conclusion, I would say, while the question: did I marry the right person is likely to come up at a certain point, however, what will determine the future of your relationship is: what are you looking for, and how do you want to obtain it? I explain.

If it’s about your interest alone, satisfying your image of an ideal partner and ideal relationship, then, you will most likely manipulate your partner in the attempt to bend them to what you want. And given that you have no power to change them, you will most likely look elsewhere for satisfaction- such an attitude is a threat to the long-term relationship. It can lead to unfaithfulness, if not a complete break-up of the relationship.

Growing from your questions

On the other hand, you may wonder, all right, if your actual partner is the right one, and yet, you sincerely seek the well-being of your relationship. That is, it’s not just about what’s pleasing to you but rather about improving your relationship. And when they are mutually interested in the well-being of their relationship, partners will be motivated to make necessary concessions. In so doing, both partners become architects and bricklayers of their relationship. And so, discovering that your partner is not that perfect, is no longer shock that endangers your relationship but an alarm that awakes you to act in favour of your relationship.

I can’t emphasise it enough, it’s good to bear in mind that the fact of questioning yourself about your partner, and about your relationship, does not necessarily mean you have a wrong person for a partner. And, moreover, if it’s not for a matter of core values and goals; it’s not about having the right person that makes a relationship succeed; but having persons who are ready to accommodate each other for the sake of the mutual interest in their relationship.

If you have come this far, it’s because you are interested in your relationship, and I know that you will make the necessary effort to make your relationship grow and improve out of the questions that you may be posing yourself today.

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post.

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/ to receive new postings by email.

When You Feel You Have a Wrong Partner

18/12/2019 by Evans Chama 3 Comments

What happens when you are haunted by the feeling that you have a wrong person for your partner?How do you go about it? Do you leave?

In the last topic, Choosing your conjugal partner, of our series: Couples’ Corner, we looked at some motivational criteria which influence the choice of the partner for both men and women. However, even when you have clear criteria there is no guarantee that you will have the partner of your dream, that is, the one who has all the qualities we want to see in a partner. So, by compromising on certain qualities, you enter a relationship with a person even though some qualities may be lacking. We mentioned also that compromised qualities may prove to be a source of conflicts later in the relationship. You live under tension of trying to compensate what’s lacking, by looking for satisfaction elsewhere. Besides, it may also be a case of disillusionment, as we saw in When You Fall in love, when you realise that the person you chose for your partner is actually not angelic as you thought. On facing such disconcerting truth, you may begin to have doubts about the future of the relationship with your partner.

Do I have a right mate?

At a certain point, as Rebecca Webber observes, you begin to have second thoughts about your relationship: you wonder “whether your partner is the right one for you”. When you begin to think like that often you paint yourself as a good partner who’s making efforts in the relationship, but you feel your efforts are fruitless because you have a wrong partner. So, you convince yourself that it’s your partner who must change for your relationship to work. In such circumstance, you see only your goodness and nothing of what you need to change -it’s the other, the bad one, who must change.

Collective responsibility

In fact, both of you, as partners, are responsible for the state of your relationship. So, each ought to answer the following questions: what am I doing for our relationship? Is my action or reaction helping to improve or worsen the situation? In posing oneself such introspective questions, you no longer focus on what the other must do, but rather, on your role that is making your relationship to work or to fail. In so doing, you begin to take responsibility.

I would say, when you begin to ask yourself questions whether your partner is the right one for you, it’s a sign that the attraction between you begins to dwindle. The consolation, however, is that having such sentiments doesn’t necessarily mean you actually have a wrong partner. But it may be a good indication that there are unfulfilled needs for which you must take courage to face them. And there’s a mature way of handling them.

Choosing the relationship in the midst of frustrations

You may be feeling frustrated, but the responsible way of dealing with frustrations is not by blaming others. Frustrations are red lights signalling that there’s something here that needs attention. Hence, it’s an occasion, first, to learn about yourself. Then, secondly, you can work out with your partner, without blaming or accusing them, how you can respond to those needs. And that is possible without necessarily having a perfect partner.

In any case, a perfect partner you will never have one. Check it out, probably you are demanding perfection from an imperfect partner. “We all fall in love,” remarks Terrence Real, a family therapist, “with people we think will deliver us from life’s wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us.” Well, whatever the case, it’s with an imperfect partner that you ought to work your relationship out the way you want it to be. You need, especially, to learn to love your partner, and have interest in your relationship despite the diminishing love passion. Love is not just infatuation; the will must be involved if you want your love relationship to survive the storms of life.

Infatuation is volatile

Experts in love relationship speak of the duration of infatuation from nine months to four years. It’s the time, as we saw in When You Fall in love, when partners have tendency to not only idealise the other but also to amplify their compatibility; they practically don’t see the differences. If they do, they minimise them. Later, after recovering from love intoxication, you come to see things clearer and more realistically. Then, the differences come to the fore. Such disillusionment can be distressing, leading even to another extreme: from seeing everything as rosy, when you fell in love, to seeing negatives only, when infatuation begins to wane. So, you hurry to conclude that you got a wrong person for a partner. You heap on them all the miseries of your relationship. You may end up seeking happiness outside your relationship, with someone else -in form extra-conjugal affair.

When you demonise your partner

As the expression goes, a sad one indeed, call him a dog and thereafter do with him the way you want. You begin by dehumanising someone in order to justify the way you want to treat them. It may happen in a couple too. It’s enough to demonise your partner to give yourself a leeway to treat them the way you like. That’s why I find quite pertinent the observation of Christine Meinecke, a clinical psychologist: “Rather than look at the other person, you need to look at yourself and ask, why am I suddenly so unhappy and what do I need to do?” If you are honest enough you may come to appreciate, and to your surprise, that it’s not your partner alone who’s at fault. In a mature relationship, adds Meinecke, “we do not look to our partner to provide our happiness and we don’t blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.” As no one will get all their needs met in their relationship, advise William Doherty, professor of psychology and marriage and family therapist, the way out is to accept the person you have chosen and the one who has chosen you.

Mutual displeasing behaviours

It’s good to remember that what you may find as displeasing behaviour in the partner may be just their reaction to what they find displeasing in you. In the end, you are caught in a kind of vicious circle of displeasing each other. That’s why it may not be right to single out one person as source of the problem in the relationship; it’s a collective responsibility. Then, the fundamental question, as Doherty proposes, is: “In what ways are we failing to make one another happy?”

Check out the second part in the next post.

For now, feel free to encourage and inspire others by a comment or a contribution in the comment space below the post.

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog to receive new postings by email.

See also:

When Men Choose a partner
Choosing your conjugal partner
Recovering the Lamb in your Spouse
When You Fall in love
Couples’ Corner: New Series for your Couple

When Men Choose a partner

10/12/2019 by Evans Chama 1 Comment

Men’s choice for a partner will vary according to the duration and the goal of the relationship.

Short-term

For short-term relationship, often as extra-conjugal affair, men are less demanding in terms of standard, though physical attractiveness remains important in both short-term and long-term relationships. Men readily involve themselves in multiple casual sexual partners and invest a lot in searching for them. On the contrary, women are more cautious given the cost involved.

Firstly, should the sexual relationship result into pregnancy, or the affair be known, there’s a risk of ruining their long-term relationship they may have with the official partner. More women are divorced or separated than men for the reason of infidelity. This is not to say women are more unfaithful than men, probably the contrary is true, but generally there’s more tolerance for a man’s infidelity than that of a woman; the situation described as double standard. Even though the situation is changing, nevertheless, the double standard remains. Men will have tendency, different from women, towards short- term relationships. For that they are less demanding because it may be just for company or sexual relationship. However, it’s a different when a man decides to commit himself with someone for a relationship of long duration.

Long-term

When a man decides to settle for a durable relationship like marriage, there you find certain elements like faithfulness, health, age and everything related to reproduction are considered before he commits himself to a woman in a relationship. What may be considered as traits of physical beauty for a woman, often, are those traits that are culturally perceived as signs of fertility or maturity for reproduction.

Personal and behavioural attributes

One of the major differences between men and women is the attitude towards sexual fidelity. A woman with whom a man wants to have a long-term relationship, that is, with whom he wants to found a family and have children, her fidelity is something that affects him profoundly, especially psychologically. In fact, it can be a source of stress for a man in the attempt to avoid the risk of investing himself in raising children fathered by someone else. That may explain the sexual jealousy that has marked the relationship of men and women in many societies, for example, patriarchal societies with strong social and sexual control on the women. Hence, you have control tactics like: demand for virginity at marriage, genital mutilation in the hope of reducing sexual desire. Even though today we speak no more of chastity belts, worn by women to prevent them from engaging themselves into arbitrary sexual relationships, nevertheless, you may still find attitudes or mechanisms of control put in place even in our societies today that serve as modern chastity belts by controlling and limiting social interaction of women.

Conflict from unmet expectations

While both men and women have criteria in the choice of a potential partner, however, one does not always arrive at having for a partner the person who meets all the requirements. This is because choosing a partner is engaging oneself into market race against other men or women, as competitors. As a result, it’s possible that one enters marriage having compromised on certain elements. Let’s take some examples.

A woman may have a partner who is financially well off, but may be, that person is lacking in personal traits such as being generous, kind and warm as women would want to see in a partner. Or one may enter marriage based on romantic love, but the partner lacks the financial and cultural status, which are important for woman as source of security. The compromise makes it possible for one to go ahead with a relationship while certain elements are lacking. But that can be a source of conflicts later in the relationship.

One possible consequence of compromising on certain criteria is having extra-conjugal affairs to compensate or to get the satisfaction that may be lacking in that long-term relationship. That’s why the cases of infidelity may not be inspired merely by promiscuity tendencies but will be calculated relationships in order to get some benefits -financial benefit or romantic love, which may be lacking in the official relationship. Let’s take a scenario:

A lady decides to marry a man because of financial security and yet there’s no emotional connection between them. Here, we have a case of romantic compromise. She enjoys quite all right the luxury and yet she is bothered by the yearning for love, that is, to be with a man with whom she feels emotionally connected. It’s the same for a man to whom physical attractiveness is important, yet, for a long-term relationship he may consider a lady who may not be that physically attractive but perhaps she excels in other areas such as fertility, faithfulness, care; to mention but just some. It means there’s a compromise. In such cases it’s not rare to see unsatisfied partners go out, in form of extra-conjugal affairs, to get the satisfaction that they miss in their official relationships.

What’s the relevance of the chat?

Our chat on this topic, Choice of a conjugal partner, puts you face to face with the motives that led you to choosing the partner you have today. It’s important for you to check out: what is it that you find fulfilling in your relationship with your partner? And what are you missing? And above all, how are you managing those aspects where you find that your partner does not respond to all the aspirations you had for a partner?

Of course, it’s just unrealistic to expect finding a perfect person. You won’t find one; they simply don’t exist. However, we know that unfulfilled desires can be a source of many conflicts, as well shall see later in the next topics. In fact, after going through unmet expectations some people may even come to convince themselves that they have married a wrong person.

What do you do, then? How do you deal with such sentiment that leaves you feeling you married a wrong person? Do you leave your partner? We look at that in the next topic.

Join us on WhatsApp or Facebook group named: COUPLES’ CORNER. You can also subscribe on my blog, https://singlehumanity.com/, so that you receive new postings by email.

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